I just wrapped up 4 weeks of working with my virtual personal trainer. It has been a really great experience, and until last week, I planned on working with her indefinitely. I probably blind-sided her by telling her I was not going to continue for the time being.

Shocked? Me too. About a week and a half ago I realized how obsessive I was becoming. We went to dinner for my sister's birthday (somewhere I almost didn't go because I knew I didn't have enough calories for the day), and I laughed because after 2 pieces of pizza I only had 14 calories left. Instead of asking my sister about her engagement, my brothers about school, or my grandma about her chemotherapy, I was going on and on about my 14 calories I had left for dessert. I didn't like that version of me.

We had friends from our church over for dinner the other night and my husband made scone burgers. Think 2 scones plus a very yummy patty. I panicked all day about how on earth I was going to fit the calories in and how fattening it was. Instead of being grateful that my husband was making his specialty for our friends, I was complaining about it all day. I didn't like THAT version of me either.

For The Strength of Youth is a pamphlet that comes from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. It gives guidelines for youth and adults alike to be their best selves and live a happy life. In the pamphlet in the Physical and Emotional Health Section it says, "To care for your body, eat nutritious food, exercise regularly, and get enough sleep. Practice balance and moderation in all aspects of your physical health. Also, avoid extremes that could lead to eating disorders."

I wouldn't necessarily say that counting my calories would eventually lead to an eating disorder, but maybe it would. It was certainly controlling my life way more than I am proud to admit. I want to be the version of me that's ME. That eats a donut every Wednesday, because that's moderation. That tries to work out 30 minutes a day, but will drop everything to serve as the Savior would. I think Heavenly Father wants me to take good care of my body, but I think he wants me to focus on the moderation for now.

So what comes next? I'm not really sure. We have a Disneyland trip coming up and I don't want to spend the whole trip worrying about finding the healthiest foods, or turning down a Mickey ice cream bar because it doesn't "fit my macros". I'm trying to figure out the moderation thing right now. I'm taking a break from calorie counting, and focusing on trying to eat more fruits and veggies and to ONLY eat when I'm hungry and ONLY eat until I'm full.

We should LOVE our bodies. Exercising and eating right should be done because we LOVE our bodies, not because we hate them. So that is what I'm focusing on. That's what comes next for now.

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Emma Ashby said...

I love this. I feel like I am constantly trying to find moderation in my emotional/physical health. I want to love my body for what it has done/can do but also take good care of it but also enjoy things but also etc. etc. etc. Finding balance is definitely hard sometimes but I'm sure that you are going about it in the right way by relying on the gospel and guidance from Heavenly Father to figure out what works best for you! :]

Maren said...

Good for you girl! I'm totally about moderation in all things! I love that you quoted "For the Strength of Youth" pamphlet! I try to live by that and the Word of Wisdom! God gave us helpful tools on how to live a healthy life and I feel like most of us forget to use it! I try to remember (although really hard most times) that it's not about a skinny life, but a happy life! You got this sweet lady!

Sharlee Hatch said...

I read this last week and have been wanting to comment ever since. I had a baby almost 2 years ago and though I've always struggled with body image and my relationship with food--I hit some new levels of anxiety about them over the past two years. I know how to cut back and lose weight and it still hasn't been happening because I think I honestly don't want it to. I think our bodies and minds and spirits are so interwoven and I really feel like Heavenly Father wanted me to learn something about that and about HONORING my body. So instead of fighting this "lose the weight" battle, I decided to embrace HEALTH. And I've been asking for Heavenly Father's help. I took the issue in prayer, I pondered it over conference, and I have already received a lot of answers. I recently shared the beginning of this journey on my blog and then on Wednesday I shared one of the things I've learned about exercise. http://www.mynewlines.com/2015/10/changing-purpose-of-exercise.html I would love it if you'd follow along-I'll be posting on this topic every Wednesday. Not because I want the pageviews, but because I think you and I are in similar places and we could probably benefit from one another--just something to consider. By following a prompting, I found this book from Deseret Book called Love Your Body--A Diet-Free Approach to Balanced Eating by Brooke Parker. I LOVE IT and highly recommend it. I'm not done yet, and will definitely be sharing it on my blog when I am, but I love it. I really don't have a lot of time right now to read but I am absolutely making time for this. I am taking my time as I read it and am doing the homework at the end of each section before moving ahead because I want a change. I want it for the freedom for myself and I want it for my daughter. The book is small and is like $15. I ordered online. I wish you well in your journey to figure out what's best for you and your body and I will definitely be following along and sharing my thoughts with you :) There is a quote at the beginning of the book about how Satan attacks the body in so many ways--and the author referred to is as Satan's plan to destroy women's precious souls. That just brought tears to my eyes when I read it and I am all about fighting that with everything and rallying all the women we can together to do it! :)

Ashley Ziegler said...

I found myself becoming negatively obsessed with My Fitness Pal and counting calories, so I got rid of it and I haven't looked back. I think you can still count calories, and eat something different than what your husband makes, but you can control your mind set and attitude about it. Discuss it with your husband about your desires for what foods you eat and that you don't want to hurt his feelings in any way. It's not a bad thing to choose to eat something completely different than what everyone else is eating.

Don't be too hard on yourself:)